It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
