i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
