I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
