at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
