The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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