For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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