You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
