I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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