you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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