Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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