I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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