Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
