life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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