dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
3pm strippers are depressing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
