turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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