someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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