just tell him i said nine months
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
