I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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