I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
