Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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