What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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