I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
