ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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