Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
