in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
