is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
