Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
