My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
