You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
