I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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