Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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