I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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