Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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