I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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