so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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