Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
