my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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