just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
look no pants
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
