wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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