we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
