i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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