I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
