you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
