I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
