new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
