Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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