And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
