how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
