She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
