Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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