he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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